This is the most insane way to be smarter, confident and resilient

This is the most insane way to be smarter, confident and resilientThis is the most insane way to be smarter, confident and resilientThat critical voice in your head. Always telling you how youre screwing up. Always putting the worst-case-scenario front and center. We all have it. (I call itLefty.)Youre hearing a lot these days about how to turn down the volume on your critical inner monologue. (Um, sometimes fromme, actually.) But lets try looking at it a little differently for a sec, shall we?What if you dont need fewer voices in your head - what if you needmoraof them? Theres plenty of evidence that the right voices in your head can make you smarter, mora confident and more resilient.When you want to muster your energy or self-control for a challenge, you might say, I can do it. And if thats what youre saying, well, Id reply, No, actually. No, you cant.Because heres whats crazyresearchshows talking to yourself using the word you is more powerful than using the word IAltogether, th e current research showed that second-person self-talk strengthens both actual behavior wertzuwachs and prospective behavioral intentions more than first-person self-talk.So a voice in your head that seems to be another person actually has more power to get your keister movingthan you talking to you.So pull a few extra chairs up to your mental table. Were putting a Brain Trust together - but theyre all in your one brain. Here are the three voices you need chattering away in your head The voice thatmakes you resilientYou need a cheerleader in your noggin. No, pom-poms and short skirts are not required. Whos someone thathas always believed in you? Who always had your back? Someone who believed in you more than you did.Thats the voice you need to keep you going when things get hard.And wheres the proof that you need a cheerleader? Well, it actually comes from what would seem to be the total opposite of a cheerleader - a Navy SEAL.Those guys are pretty much the epitome ofgrit. And one of their secrets to persistence is thepositive voices in their heads. I cover the research in my upcomingbook.FromBarking Up the Wrong Tree The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Success Is (Mostly) WrongA Navy study revealed a number of things that people with grit do - often unknowingly - that keep them going when things get hard. One of them comes up in the psychological research again and again positive self-talk. Yes, Navy SEALs need to be badass, but one of the keys to that is thinking like The Little Engine That Could. In your head, you say between three hundred and a thousand words every minute to yourself. Those words can be positive or negative. It turns out that when these words are positive, they have a huge effect on your mental toughness, your ability to keep going. Subsequent studies of military personnel back this up. When the Navy started teaching BUD/S applicants to speak to themselves positively, combined with other mental tools, BUD/S pass ing rates increased from a quarter to a third.I know what some people might be thinkingIm not an elite military operatorfighting terrorists, so how is this relevant to me? Because grit is grit, bubba.Positive self-talkdoesnt just work for guys with guns, it also works for employees and managers in officesManz (1983, 1986, 1992) and Manz and Sims (1989) have suggested the potential of self-talk as a self-influencing tool for improving the personal effectiveness of employees and managers. Various studies in a number of different fields have provided support for the relationship between an individuals self-talk and performance.(For more on the subject check out my book,Barking Up the Wrong Tree The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Success Is (Mostly) Wrong.)Alright, so youve got a supportive cheerleader chattering away in your head saying, You can do it. Awesome. But what if its not an issue of resilience? What if the challenges ahead require extra brainpower?Oh, weve got a voice for that too The voice that makes you smarterYou know this voice pretty well its your own. But you actually need to talkout loudto get the boost.When older adultsthink out loud, intelligence scores shoot up dramaticallyPerformance gains on this task were substantial (d = 0.73 and 0.92 in Experiments 1 and 2, respectively), corresponding to a fluid intelligence increase of nearly one standard deviation.But maybe youre not an older adult. Doesnt matter. Keep talkingout loud. It creates a huge boost in your ability torememberthings you readThe production effect is the substantial benefit to memory of having studied information aloud as opposed to silently.Want tolearn a new skill? Keep yakking self-talk is a technique which mostly improves concentration. Self-talk is more effective for novel tasks rather than well-learned tasks because it is easier to improve at the early steps of learning.(To learn the four rituals neuroscience says willmake you happy, clickhere.)Alr ight, youve got two voices going and now youre grittier and smarter. But what if the problem isnt about improving performance?What if you just dont feel good about yourself? Maybe youre feelingguilty or you just have low self-esteem. Third voice, coming up The voice that makes you feel better about yourselfEverybody always wants to improve self-esteem. If peoplejust felt more confident,theyd be better at their jobs, be better leaders, and kids wouldnt smoke, drink, take drugs, or get bad grades.Well, too bad theyre wrong. Research shows self-esteem doesnt cause all those good things. Its just a side effect of healthy behavior. So artificially boosting it doesnt work.FromSelf-CompassionIn one influential review of the self-esteem literature, it was concluded that high self-esteem actually did not improve academic achievement or job performance or leadership skills or prevent children from smoking, drinking, ortaking drugs. If anything, high self-esteem appears to be the consequence r ather than the cause of healthy behaviors.Whatdoesraising self-esteem do? It probably increasesnarcissism. So what do we need instead of self-esteem?Self-compassion. Stop lying to yourself that youre so awesome. Instead, focus on forgiving yourself when youre not. In my upcomingbookI talk about why self-compassion beats self-esteem.FromBarking Up the Wrong Tree The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Success Is (Mostly) WrongSo why does compassion succeed where self-esteem fails? Because self-esteem is always either delusional or contingent, neither of which lead to good things. To always feel like youre awesome you need to either divorce yourself from reality or be on a treadmill of constantly proving your value. At some point you wont measure up, which then craters your self-esteem. bedrngnis to mention relentlessly proving yourself is exhausting and unsettling. Self-compassion lets you see the facts and accept that youre not perfect. As famed psychologist Albe rt Ellis once said, Self-esteem is the greatest sickness known to man or woman because its conditional. People with self-compassion dont feel the need to constantly prove themselves, and research shows they are less likely to feel like a loser.And that leads us to our third voice Grandmom.You dont need the booming voice of self-esteem in your head. You need that warm, forgiving voice of Grandmom telling you that, yeah, you screwed up, but we all do. Itll be okay.FromSelf-CompassionPractitioners first instruct patients to generate an image of a safe place to help counter any fears that may arise. They are then instructed to create an ideal image of a caring and compassionate figure The training resulted in significant reductions in depression, self-attacking, feelings of inferiority, and shame.(To learn more about how to increase self-compassion, clickhere.)Youre tougher, smarter and you feel good about yourself. All three of you. So let me round this up and well also learn why the voices in your head can be much more important than the voicethat talks to others Sum upHere are the three voices you need talking to youThe Cheerleader If positive self-talk helps Navy SEALs get through training, itll help you get throughthe workday.Talk out loud You might look weird doing it, but it can make yousmarter, improve yourmemory and help you learnskills faster.Grandmom You screwed up. And Grandmoms soothing voice told you it was okay. Give her a permanent rocking chair in your skull.We all know that how you talk to others makes a big difference.Fast talkersare more persuasive.Repeating yourselfmakes you more influential.Swearingdoes too. Put all of thosetogether well, thats probably overdoing it.But even talking a little crazy can make a big difference in your life. Do youbabytalkwith that special someone? Well, that kind of adorable silliness is associated with better relationships.So dont be afraid to be a little whacky. Next time youre out getting sake and sushi with the one you love, before you get that all-important parking validation and head out the door,dont be embarrassedto say, I wuvs you so vehwee vehwee much.But the voice (or voices) thats most important is the one thats always with you the one (or many) in your head. Get those good voicestalking so they drown out that critical one. Make sure they outvote the jerk thats bringing you down.As researcher Kristin Neff explains in her book,Self-CompassionWho is the only person in your life who is available 24/7 to provide you with care and kindness? You.Join over 320,000 readers. Get a free weekly update via emailhere.Thisarticlefirst appeared in 2014 onBarking up the Wrong Tree.