How to solve relationship problems 5 secrets from research

How to solve relationship problems 5 secrets from researchHow to solve relationship problems 5 secrets from researchEvery relationship has problems. And they lead to arguments - which often dont go anywhere and just make things worse.One solution is couples therapy. Its a very good solution, especially if you want to solve things by getting divorced.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesIn fact, we asked the people who participated in our research if they were getting therapy, and we discovered that there welches a reasonably high correlation between getting therapy and getting a divorce. It was more likely that couples would get a divorce if they had therapy than if they had no therapy. This was especially true for individual therapy, but it was also true of couple therapy.ThatsJohn Gottman, the data driven cupid of academia. Hes renowned as the relationship expert who can listen to a couple talk for just a few minutes and predict whether theyll split up with an eerie 90+% degree of accuracy.For decades hes brought couples into his lab, studied how they interacted and followed up to binnensee whether that worked. And hes learned a lot.Johns book isThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for Couples.All couples have arguments. There is no magic, conflict-free relationship. (Sorry.) So how do you fightright? Thats what were gonna learn. Where should we start?How about at the beginning? Because as it turns out, beginnings are critical Start discussions gentlyAs you may have suspected, starting a conversation with YOU MORON is never a good idea.Seriously, if you dont want your lebensgefhrte to get defensive and angry then, quite simply, dont begin a discussion in a way that would makeanyperson defensive and angry.Sounds obvious but we all do it. And women do it a lot more than men. (Dont worry well get to the mistakes men make soon enough.)FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesThe womans role here is usually critical, as in heterosexual relationships (in most cowboyfilm culture) it is the woman who brings up the issues 80% of the time, according to research by Philip and Carolyn Cowan at Berkeley. Again, the findings suggest that starting with attack is less likely to result in nondefensive or empathic listening.The critical distinction here is between complaining and criticizing.Complaining about a specific problem or behavior is totally okay. (When youre late, it makes me feel like Im elend important to you.) But criticizing is when you present the issue as a defect in your mann an ihrer seite. (Youre just so selfish)Telling someone you dont like their behavior is appropriate and necessary. Accusing them of being a demon spawn succubus forged from an unholy pact in the darkest pits of the netherworld is, shall we say,less-than-constructive.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesHappy couples presented issues as joint problems, and specific to one situation. Unhappy couples, on the other hand, presented issues as if they were symptoms of global defects in the freunds personality.But some people will respond, You dont understand. They always make this mistake and Im just trying tofixthem.Overruled, counselor. Yourestilldoing it, but with a shinier rationalization. Trying to fix your partner means you see them as defective. This is the perspective that couples on their way to Splitsville take.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesPartners in unhappy relationships saw it as their responsibility to help their partners become better people. They acted as if they believed that the problem in relationships is that we pair with people who arent as perfect as we are. Then it becomes our responsibility to point out to our partners how they can become better human beings. They need us to point out their mistakes. We expect them to be grateful to us for our great wisdom. In miserable relationships our habit of mind is to focus on our own irritability an d disappointment, and to explain to our partners how they are responsible for behauptung miserable feelings we have.Dont raise issues in a way that could be summed up as Everything would be wonderful if you just get your act together and do exactly as I tell you because youre the screw-up and Im the long-suffering victim here.Focus on the problem, not the person. And be gentle. Even if youareright, being self-righteous doesnt help.(To learn more about the science of a successful life, check out my bestselling bookhere.)Okay, so youve got your head on straight about how to approach things. But your head isnt the only part of you thats important here. Your body plays a big partStay calmI know, easier said than done. But this ishuge. The ability to stay physically calm during conflict showed the biggest correlation with relationship happiness of anything Gottman tested.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesI recall a landmark phone call in my life from Bob asking me if I had ever obtained high correlations (in the .90s), and him reporting that we had obtained such high correlations in our first 3-year follow-up study, using only physiological data in predicting relationship happiness, controlling for initial levels.Did you notice the wording there? Physiological. As in, your body. So suppressing rage, keeping your mouth shut andappearingchill doesnt qualify as calm.When things get emotional, your heart starts racing, the cortisol and adrenalin start pumping and this leads to a cascade of negative effects you cant control. You have trouble listening, empathizing and problem solving.Gottman calls it diffuse physiological arousal.You and I call it wigging out.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesIn the context of relationship conflict, deutsche presse-agentur has big psychological effects. It decreases ones ability to take in information (reducing hearing and peripheral vision and making it difficult to shift attention away fro m a defensive posture). It can also create increased defensiveness and what we call the summarizing yourself syndrome, which is repeating ones own position in the hope that ones partner will suddenly get it and become loving again. DPA can reduce the ability to be creative in problem solving, it eliminates access to ones sense of humor and to affection, and it reduces the ability to listen to ones partner and empathize.And this is a bigger problem for men. When put in an emotional situation, men get flooded more quickly than women. And once physiologically worked up, it takes them longer to return to baseline.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for Couples there were decreases in blood pressure only for women. Noradrenaline is a stress hormone that operates in the brain and is theequivalent of adrenaline in the periphery. Oxytocin, in her study, decreased noradrenaline levels for women, but not for men. Hence, this research would suggest that men are more vulnerable to DPA Ever get into a heated argument and realize its going nowhere?Once the stress hormones are hitting the bloodstream at firehose speed, Gottman says constructive, empathetic discussion is impossible. So what do you do?Well, kids arent the only ones that can benefit from a time-out.You cant insist that your body relax. So Gottman recommends taking a 20-minute break. And distractyourself during that time. (Bitterly mumbling to yourself for 20 minutes isnt going to make Round 2 any easier.)When youre both calmer, try again.(To learn the two-word morning gottesdienstliches brauchtum that will make you happy all day, clickhere.)So maybe you manage to stay all Zen. Great. But now youre in the thick of the conversation. What should you be saying to make sure it doesnt go off the rails?Stay positiveYeah, sounds obvious. But this isnt some silly little truism - its a powerful insight from real data. You want a ratio of five positive comments for every negative one.FromThe Science of Trust Emo tional Attunement for CouplesThe ratio of positive to negative affect during conflict in stable relationships is 51 in couples headed for divorce, it is 0.81 or less.Even in the midst of arguments, the successful couples Gottman studied frequently sprinkled in positive statements like Good point,Say more about how you feel and what you need, and If thats so important to you lets find a way to make that happen.You want to avoid negative comments that arent constructive likeThat is so stupid, Youre so selfish and, Id love to hit you with a tire iron and bury you in the crawlspace.But dont forget - the ratio was five to one, not five tozero. Negativity isnt evil. In fact, a little bit is necessary. Getting angry didnt cause breakupsIt wasescalationof negativity that landed people in divorce court.You yell and then they yell louder and then you yell even louder until the windows are vibrating and the pets are cowering beneath the couch.If this sounds like your fights, may I suggest you dont get a 30-year mortgage? Because your marriage will likely be over in 6.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesIt is the escalation of negativity, marked particularly by criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, that predicts divorce. We found that couples who escalated conflict divorced an average of about 5.6 years after their wedding.When things get heated, use humor. Calling your partner a joke is not a good idea but making a joke during a fight can help de-escalate conflict.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for Couples(Positive affect) was the only variable that predicted both couple stability and happiness in our newlywed study. Furthermore, the positive affect was not distributed evenly or randomly during the conflict conversation - rather, it was used precisely - it was in the service of conflict deescalation. Positive affect and deescalation were used in the service of physiological soothing, particularly of the male in heter osexual relationships. Thats why even small amounts of positive affect during conflict predicted positive outcomes in the relationship. Bob Levensons lab has also found that humor is effective at reducing physiological arousal.(To learn 3 secrets from neuroscience that will help you quit bad habits without willpower, clickhere.)Maybe youre doing good so far. But theres a point when you just want it toend. You cant handle any more talking or any more feelings. Like youve been throughthirty days of Guantanamo westindischer lorbeer waterboarding and youre allIll-tell-you-whatever-you-want-to-know-just-make-this-stop.Yes, men, Im looking at you Accept influenceDont deny your partners feelings and try to shut them up. Hear them out. That doesnt mean just continue nodding until the words finally stop coming out of their face. It means actually pay attention to and consider what theyre saying.Guys have a big problem with this one - and it can kill a relationship.FromThe Science of Trust E motional Attunement for CouplesMens acceptance of influence from their female partner was critical for well-functioning heterosexual relationships. The inability to accept influence from women was a stable predictor of relationship meltdown.When women complain, men often emotionally disengage or get defensive and this just escalates things. The point isnt that you have to fold and give in, you just have to listen and make it clear youre listening.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesThis is manifested in one of two patterns of rejecting influence (1) male emotional disengagement (which eventually becomes mutual emotional disengagement), or (2) male escalation (belligerence, contempt, defensiveness) in response to their wives low-intensity negative affect (complaining). The (happily married) men dont reject influence from their women as often. They tend to say things like okay, or good point, or youre making perfect sense, really, or youre starting to convince me. This is not compliance it is lively give and take. To be powerful in a relationship we must be capable of accepting influence on some things our partner wants.(To learn how to have a happy marriage, clickhere.)But what about those arguments you have over and over and over again? Will they ever get resolved?Actually, uh, no Often, nobody wins. So play nice.Almost 70% of recurring relationship disagreements never get resolved.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for Coupleswe learned that only 31% of couples major area of continuing disagreement was about a resolvable issue. Much more frequently- 69% of the time- it was about an unresolvable perpetual problem.Unless its a true dealbreaker (You really need to stop sleeping with the UPS guy), let it go. You have to accept your partner as-is.Nobody is perfect.Yourenot perfect.When you get involved with anyone, youre accepting a set of problems. You just want to make sure youre with someone whose problems you can handle.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesWe found that what mattered most was not resolution of these perpetual problems but the affect that occurred around discussion of them. The goal of happily married couples seemed to be establish a dialogue around the perpetual problem - one that included shared humor and affection and communicated acceptance of the partner and even amusement.Discuss the issue, but dont expect that itll ever get resolved to everyones complete satisfaction. Its more abouthowyou discuss it. Be accepting, affectionate and laugh about it.(To learn how to deal with passive aggressive people, clickhere.)Okay, weve covered a lot. Time to round it all up and learn the final (and much more pleasant) thing that can help smooth romantic difficultiesSum upThis is how to solve relationship problemsStart gently Complain but dont criticize. Focus on the problem, not the person.Stay calm When your pulse goes up, happiness goes down.Stay positive Five To One isnt just a song by The Doors its also the key to a happy relationship.Accept influence Really listening to your partners needs can make sure I never see atrue crime documentary onDateline NBCabout the end of your relationship.Often, nobody wins. So play nice If your attitude is my way or the highway then I hope you like traffic jams. As Aristotle never said, you cant always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need.So what else should you do in order to make a relationship work and get past problems? Its not all about arguing the right way You need to have fun. Keep making an effort, keep having adventures, keep acting like you did when you first started dating.FromThe Science of Trust Emotional Attunement for CouplesIn relationships that were happy, people continued courtship and intimacy and nurtured emotional connection, friendship, fun, adventure, and playfulness.Even in the middle of a fight, its important to remember the person in front of you is the person yo u love.Love isnt just a noun its also a verb. Loves not just something you have, its something you do.And if you can continue to do it in the midst of an argument, then you can be happy after it ends.And isnt that what we all want? Happily ever after?Join over 320,000 readers. Get a free weekly update via emailhere.Thisarticlefirst appeared in 2014 onBarking up the Wrong Tree.

11 concrete ways to use Twitter for networking

11 concrete ways to use Twitter for networking 11 concrete ways to use Twitter for networking I dont know how many job seekers are strategically using Twitter to network and advance their job search, but I do know that its a very small percentage.If you already use Twitter, you can easily switch to the more strategic focus I am going to teach you. But if you have never used Twitter before, dont worry. It is easy to get departureed. Its completely free. And once you understand the potential, I know youll be eager to get going.An overviewTwitter is often called a micro-blogging site. Basically, it allows users to broadcast messages to the world as long as those messages are 140 characters or shorter. Your messages, known as tweets, are publicly available to anyone. But with millions of people tweeting, the real benefit comes from the fact that you can choose whom to listen to. In effect, you tune in to anotlageher persons Twitter feed and, in doing so, you see everything they write. In turn, when someone is interested in what you have to say, they click the follow button and from that point on they see everything you post.This might not sound like an obvious networking tool, but bear with me.The reason its so effective is that it gives you an amazing ability to reach out and connect with anyone else who uses the site, no matter how successful, famous, or hard-to-reach they are in other walks of life.Here are 11 ways to make the most of TwitterFollow headhunters, internal recruiters, and hiring managersFirst and foremost, Twitter is a social networking site. Like LinkedIn or Facebook, it allows you to make connections with others. However, unlike those two sites, there is no requirement to know the people with whom you connect. This is because on Twitter you dont ask someone to accept you as a connection, you simply hit the follow button and from that point on you see everything they write.Conversation is the lifeblood of Twitter, so you are free to reply to anyth ing you read. This gives you endless opportunities to connect with recruiters and hiring managers in your target industry. It also allows you to listen and learn from the very people whose attention you want to attract.To get started making connections, I recommend using Twellow.com to find people you would like to follow.Twellow allows you to search by keyword, category, or both. This means you can run searches such as recruiters or choose a company name and look for people who work there.Once you are following recruiters, headhunters, and hiring managers/employees from your target companies, you can pay careful attention to their tweets and conversations and reply if you have something interesting to say. Even a thank you for this informative link message is welcome. We all like to know that other people are listening to our words of wisdom.And once people come to know you, they are much more likely to respond to questions or requests.Use Search tools to listen for opportunitiesTw itter Search allows you to follow conversations that include keywords you choose. This is an excellent opportunity to passively surf for vacancies, as many hiring managers will tweet about their openings.Simply go to Twitter Search and type in the key words (for example, web konzept jobs or PR internships), then check your chosen keywords every day. Any time these words arise in conversation, youll see the tweet and you can instantly respond.Follow other people in your fieldAs with recruiters, everyone wants to feel someone is listening. If you follow other people who work in your field and comment on their tweets (or even retweet them to your followers), many of those same people will follow you back. And this is vital before you try my next tip, which is Use Twitter to tell people that you need a jobA few years ago, regular Twitter user Alexa Scordato lost her job. Instead of calling or emailing her contacts, she sent out a tweet to all her followers.Her brief message welches, Hey there Looking for a Social Media job up in Boston. Are you guys doing any entry level hires?Within one week, Alexa had an interview, and a week later she was hired. Her story was such an eye opener for a lot of people that it was written up in major media publications.But it wasnt actually all that unusual. Every day, people are leveraging their Twitter connections to secure interviews and new positions, and you can do the same. Of course, you need a good network of followers for that to happen, which is why steps two and three are so important.For example, if youre seeking a position as a marketing manager for a technology company and have followed recruiters who specialize in that industry and hiring managers or employees who currently work at some of your target companies, theres every chance that when you say, Im looking for a marketing job in a tech company, someone will know of such a vacancy.This is why targeting people to follow is so important. Dont just add people as fast as you can so that your own number of followers increases. Instead, focus on finding people who can help with your search.NOTE If you are currently employed and dont want anyone to know that you are looking for another job, dont broadcast the news on Twitter. This may seem like obvious advice, but this is a mistake that has cost more than one person their job.Retweet strategicallyOn Twitter, the biggest compliment you can pay someone is to retweet something they sent out. In doing so, you are telling everyone you know that the tweet has value. Because being retweeted is such a compliment, most of the people you retweet will notice. They may or may not respond, but if you do this a few times, they will come to know you, and probably pay more attention to the things you have to say.Add valueThe best way to get attention from people who might be able to help is to add professional value on Twitter. Share interesting articles, books, or other information. Demonstrate your knowledge of your field. Answer questions from those looking for help. By doing so you are adding value, and this attracts more followers. The more followers you have, the more likely it is that one of them knows about the perfect opportunity for you.Adding value is increasingly important as Twitter grows. Most people follow more people than they can ever keep up with. As their list grows, they start to make it easier by creating lists of people they want to pay special attention to, or by just skimming quickly and only seeing whatever catches their eye at that moment.In order to get attention, you need to prove yourself to be someone worth listening to, and the only way to do this is to add value.Attract attention from influencers by including them on a listTwitter allows you to build lists of people you think are especially worth paying attention to. With this feature, you can then quickly read the tweets from a specific list. Other people can also follow your list if they are also interested in the same subject. I recommend creating a list for movers and shakers in your industry and then letting each person know that you added him or her to the list. So a designer might create a web design experts list, add names of people he admires, and then send each one a tweet notifying them of their inclusion.Mention your search casually from time to timeIf your search is not a secret, mention it every once in a while. Dont become tiresome, talking about nothing but how you need a job - thats a ayafire way to lose followers But do feel free to mention interviews or their job search activities in your updates from time to time.Some of your followers will have missed your original tweets about needing work, and you will be gaining new followers all the time, so this is a great way to make sure that everyone hears about your search without being repetitive.You can just say things like getting ready for an interview. Wish me luck or Rewriting my cover letter for a great position. Hope I get an interview.Ask about jobs directlyThere is nothing wrong with asking a hiring manager or recruiter if they have any suitable opportunities, as long as you dont become a nuisance. If you have been using Twitter properly, your page will be professional and interesting, so if one of these people checks you out, they will get a good impression.Write a strong bioTwitter allows you to write a short bio about yourself. Use this space wisely. Look at lots of other bios to get a sense of what works well - everyone who checks your page will look for this and evaluate you based upon what they find. The best Twitter bios combine personal information and professional details and have a confident tone. Twitter bios also allow you to link to a web page. I recommend linking to your LinkedIn or Google profile, as these will be the most informative to someone checking you out for the first time. (Heres more on how to write a killer Twitter bio).Keep your tweeting professionalNow that youre u sing Twitter for your search, be aware that recruiters and potential employers may read anything you write. This doesnt mean you cant insert a little bit of your personality into your tweets but it does mean that you shouldnt say anything that would reflect badly on you. Before you type, imagine your new boss reading the tweet. If he wouldnt like it, dont hit the submit buttonIn summaryTwitter is an incredibly valuable job search tool and very few people capitalize on it. Why spend hours searching Internet job boards for the same vacancies everyone else is seeing, when you could be making valuable connections on sites like Twitter?

6 unexpected lessons my children taught me about being a leader

6 unexpected lessons my children taught me about being a leader6 unexpected lessons my children taught me about being a leaderOn International Womens Day, ur team atThirdLovespent time talking about the women we admire. We heard about moms, grandmas, sisters, wives, and best friends.I chose my daughter, Sloane.Sloane is four and a half years old, and shes been doing something lately that really makes me proud. Whenever I take her somewhere, and she sees a woman (only a woman, interestingly) working at a certain job - pilot, krpermassage therapist, Lyft driver - she immediately decides thats what she wants to do.Follow Ladders on FlipboardFollow Ladders magazines on Flipboard covering Happiness, Productivity, Job Satisfaction, Neuroscience, and moreAfter she saw a female dentist, she spent the next three days saying she wanted to be a teeth cleaner.In her mind, she can do anything. And thats so incredible to see. I get to watch her jump from job to job without ever thinking theres s omething she cant do.From me, I hope she learns that she canbe a founderand a leader. But truthfully, both my kids have taught me a lot more about leadership than they probably realize.Heres what Ive learned from them1. Every day is a new dayOne of our company mottos actually is, Every day is a new day. Thats the mentality we want our team to have.Kids live and breathe that motto.To them, its not even day to day. Every hour- every minute- is new. Kids live in the moment, and they have an amazing ability to take a situation, reframe it, and move on.Thats a mindset you have to strive for as a leader. You cant be too focused on the past or the future. You have to come into work each day and treat the present like its the only thing that matters.2. Put passion and energy into everything you do.Young children are so enthusiastic about whatever it is theyre doing. Theyre just so happy to be alive, to be active and enjoying the world around them.So often we think of our daily life as a gri nd, a routine that we have to put ourselves through over and over. But my kids remind me to get excited about the opportunities that come each day.Seeing the way they approach each day and each activity is a good hint to stay dedicated and passionate about my own work.3. If you set your mind to something, you can do it.Part of being a selfless leader is following through. If you say youll make something happen, you do. No matter what.Kids are incredible at taking on challenges when they put their minds to it. When my daughter welches about two-and-a-half years old, she became obsessed with the monkey bars. I noticed her intently watching the kids playing on them, focusing on their movements.After a while, she just figured it out. She tried it again and again- and at three years old she could do the whole set of monkey bars.There are very few things in life you cant do if you work hard and stay focused on your goal. Its all about how much research you do, how much effort you put in, and how dedicated you are to making something happen.4. Be thoughtful about your relationshipsI was more selfish before I had kids. Many people are. You dont realize how much you focus on yourself until you have someone who depends on you for absolutely everything.My children have taught me to be more thoughtful about my relationships and more sensitive to what people at my company need at any moment in time. Life is full of ups and downs. Maybe someone is going through a divorce. Maybe theyre taking care of a sick parent.Whatever the case, a real leader makes sure people have time to take care of personal needs and be present for the moments that truly matter.5. Efficiency is a necessityKids take up nearly all of your free time. And because you have less time for yourself, youre forced to operate more efficiently. There are certain things you just dont have time to contemplate anymore.As a founder, thats actually helped me in some ways. I used to spend days focused on certain issue s. But now, I make a decision and move on. I dont have time to ruminate over all the potential downsides or pitfalls.Becoming fixated on one problem for too long can actually be detrimental for a leader. Even if you make a mistake, you have to move on quickly.6. Learn to adapt and stay resilientThe way kids adapt to new situations is amazing.You know what I mean if youve ever dropped off a child for their first day of preschool. They almost always cry. Your care has been the only world theyve ever known. And now theyre being dropped off in a foreign environment with teachers and other kids they dont know. Its a nightmare.But by the next morning, or a few days later, theyre excited to go back. All it takes is a day or two for them to adapt to the environment and get over their fear.Adults arent as good at that. As we get older, we become set in our ways. And we arent as resilient when were thrown into a new situation. But leaders have torise to challengesand adapt to new circumstance s. They have to be a little more like children on the second day of preschool, ready to meet new people and take on the monkey bars.This article originally appeared on Quora.You might also enjoyNew neuroscience reveals 4 rituals that will make you happyStrangers know your social class in the first seven words you say, study finds10 lessons from Benjamin Franklins daily schedule that will double your productivityThe worst mistakes you can make in an interview, according to 12 CEOs10 habits of mentally strong people

This is the most insane way to be smarter, confident and resilient

This is the most insane way to be smarter, confident and resilientThis is the most insane way to be smarter, confident and resilientThat critical voice in your head. Always telling you how youre screwing up. Always putting the worst-case-scenario front and center. We all have it. (I call itLefty.)Youre hearing a lot these days about how to turn down the volume on your critical inner monologue. (Um, sometimes fromme, actually.) But lets try looking at it a little differently for a sec, shall we?What if you dont need fewer voices in your head - what if you needmoraof them? Theres plenty of evidence that the right voices in your head can make you smarter, mora confident and more resilient.When you want to muster your energy or self-control for a challenge, you might say, I can do it. And if thats what youre saying, well, Id reply, No, actually. No, you cant.Because heres whats crazyresearchshows talking to yourself using the word you is more powerful than using the word IAltogether, th e current research showed that second-person self-talk strengthens both actual behavior wertzuwachs and prospective behavioral intentions more than first-person self-talk.So a voice in your head that seems to be another person actually has more power to get your keister movingthan you talking to you.So pull a few extra chairs up to your mental table. Were putting a Brain Trust together - but theyre all in your one brain. Here are the three voices you need chattering away in your head The voice thatmakes you resilientYou need a cheerleader in your noggin. No, pom-poms and short skirts are not required. Whos someone thathas always believed in you? Who always had your back? Someone who believed in you more than you did.Thats the voice you need to keep you going when things get hard.And wheres the proof that you need a cheerleader? Well, it actually comes from what would seem to be the total opposite of a cheerleader - a Navy SEAL.Those guys are pretty much the epitome ofgrit. And one of their secrets to persistence is thepositive voices in their heads. I cover the research in my upcomingbook.FromBarking Up the Wrong Tree The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Success Is (Mostly) WrongA Navy study revealed a number of things that people with grit do - often unknowingly - that keep them going when things get hard. One of them comes up in the psychological research again and again positive self-talk. Yes, Navy SEALs need to be badass, but one of the keys to that is thinking like The Little Engine That Could. In your head, you say between three hundred and a thousand words every minute to yourself. Those words can be positive or negative. It turns out that when these words are positive, they have a huge effect on your mental toughness, your ability to keep going. Subsequent studies of military personnel back this up. When the Navy started teaching BUD/S applicants to speak to themselves positively, combined with other mental tools, BUD/S pass ing rates increased from a quarter to a third.I know what some people might be thinkingIm not an elite military operatorfighting terrorists, so how is this relevant to me? Because grit is grit, bubba.Positive self-talkdoesnt just work for guys with guns, it also works for employees and managers in officesManz (1983, 1986, 1992) and Manz and Sims (1989) have suggested the potential of self-talk as a self-influencing tool for improving the personal effectiveness of employees and managers. Various studies in a number of different fields have provided support for the relationship between an individuals self-talk and performance.(For more on the subject check out my book,Barking Up the Wrong Tree The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Success Is (Mostly) Wrong.)Alright, so youve got a supportive cheerleader chattering away in your head saying, You can do it. Awesome. But what if its not an issue of resilience? What if the challenges ahead require extra brainpower?Oh, weve got a voice for that too The voice that makes you smarterYou know this voice pretty well its your own. But you actually need to talkout loudto get the boost.When older adultsthink out loud, intelligence scores shoot up dramaticallyPerformance gains on this task were substantial (d = 0.73 and 0.92 in Experiments 1 and 2, respectively), corresponding to a fluid intelligence increase of nearly one standard deviation.But maybe youre not an older adult. Doesnt matter. Keep talkingout loud. It creates a huge boost in your ability torememberthings you readThe production effect is the substantial benefit to memory of having studied information aloud as opposed to silently.Want tolearn a new skill? Keep yakking self-talk is a technique which mostly improves concentration. Self-talk is more effective for novel tasks rather than well-learned tasks because it is easier to improve at the early steps of learning.(To learn the four rituals neuroscience says willmake you happy, clickhere.)Alr ight, youve got two voices going and now youre grittier and smarter. But what if the problem isnt about improving performance?What if you just dont feel good about yourself? Maybe youre feelingguilty or you just have low self-esteem. Third voice, coming up The voice that makes you feel better about yourselfEverybody always wants to improve self-esteem. If peoplejust felt more confident,theyd be better at their jobs, be better leaders, and kids wouldnt smoke, drink, take drugs, or get bad grades.Well, too bad theyre wrong. Research shows self-esteem doesnt cause all those good things. Its just a side effect of healthy behavior. So artificially boosting it doesnt work.FromSelf-CompassionIn one influential review of the self-esteem literature, it was concluded that high self-esteem actually did not improve academic achievement or job performance or leadership skills or prevent children from smoking, drinking, ortaking drugs. If anything, high self-esteem appears to be the consequence r ather than the cause of healthy behaviors.Whatdoesraising self-esteem do? It probably increasesnarcissism. So what do we need instead of self-esteem?Self-compassion. Stop lying to yourself that youre so awesome. Instead, focus on forgiving yourself when youre not. In my upcomingbookI talk about why self-compassion beats self-esteem.FromBarking Up the Wrong Tree The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Success Is (Mostly) WrongSo why does compassion succeed where self-esteem fails? Because self-esteem is always either delusional or contingent, neither of which lead to good things. To always feel like youre awesome you need to either divorce yourself from reality or be on a treadmill of constantly proving your value. At some point you wont measure up, which then craters your self-esteem. bedrngnis to mention relentlessly proving yourself is exhausting and unsettling. Self-compassion lets you see the facts and accept that youre not perfect. As famed psychologist Albe rt Ellis once said, Self-esteem is the greatest sickness known to man or woman because its conditional. People with self-compassion dont feel the need to constantly prove themselves, and research shows they are less likely to feel like a loser.And that leads us to our third voice Grandmom.You dont need the booming voice of self-esteem in your head. You need that warm, forgiving voice of Grandmom telling you that, yeah, you screwed up, but we all do. Itll be okay.FromSelf-CompassionPractitioners first instruct patients to generate an image of a safe place to help counter any fears that may arise. They are then instructed to create an ideal image of a caring and compassionate figure The training resulted in significant reductions in depression, self-attacking, feelings of inferiority, and shame.(To learn more about how to increase self-compassion, clickhere.)Youre tougher, smarter and you feel good about yourself. All three of you. So let me round this up and well also learn why the voices in your head can be much more important than the voicethat talks to others Sum upHere are the three voices you need talking to youThe Cheerleader If positive self-talk helps Navy SEALs get through training, itll help you get throughthe workday.Talk out loud You might look weird doing it, but it can make yousmarter, improve yourmemory and help you learnskills faster.Grandmom You screwed up. And Grandmoms soothing voice told you it was okay. Give her a permanent rocking chair in your skull.We all know that how you talk to others makes a big difference.Fast talkersare more persuasive.Repeating yourselfmakes you more influential.Swearingdoes too. Put all of thosetogether well, thats probably overdoing it.But even talking a little crazy can make a big difference in your life. Do youbabytalkwith that special someone? Well, that kind of adorable silliness is associated with better relationships.So dont be afraid to be a little whacky. Next time youre out getting sake and sushi with the one you love, before you get that all-important parking validation and head out the door,dont be embarrassedto say, I wuvs you so vehwee vehwee much.But the voice (or voices) thats most important is the one thats always with you the one (or many) in your head. Get those good voicestalking so they drown out that critical one. Make sure they outvote the jerk thats bringing you down.As researcher Kristin Neff explains in her book,Self-CompassionWho is the only person in your life who is available 24/7 to provide you with care and kindness? You.Join over 320,000 readers. Get a free weekly update via emailhere.Thisarticlefirst appeared in 2014 onBarking up the Wrong Tree.

The Recently Leaked Secret to Resume Genius Login Uncovered

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A Secret Weapon for Massage Therapy Resume

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